you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
