Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
