life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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