u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
