I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My balls are so social today.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
