the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
