did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
