So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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