remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
