I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
