While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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