This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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