If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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