we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
