At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
