R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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