im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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