Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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