How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize