Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
