Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
