So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
