My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
