Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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