oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
