someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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