I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
