we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
