I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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