Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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