yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
