why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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