shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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