Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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