I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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