I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
