Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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