the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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