seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
