Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
