No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
