No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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