I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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