the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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