Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize