I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize