fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
