I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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