i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
