i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
