Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So squirting runs in the family.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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