I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
