i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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