OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
