So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
