so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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