the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
