Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
