and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
