Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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