wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
